How to build a great relationship with your host kids: Tips for Au pairs

Getting to know kids is usually a fun process, but it can be challenging if you’re not sure where to start. Even for me, who had a wealth of experience dealing with kids before becoming an au pair, I sometimes felt nervous and a little out of my depth when it came to establishing my role as a new participant in the context of my host family. 

Why building a relationship with host kids is important for au pairs

Your relationship with the kids in your host family is one of the most important aspects of your au pair experience. Unlike temporary babysitting jobs, being an au pair means living and working with the same family, making it essential to create a positive and lasting bond.

Challenges of getting to know your host kids

Getting to know kids can be fun, but it also comes with challenges, especially when you're new to the family. Even with extensive experience in childcare, many au pairs, like Ellie, feel nervous when trying to establish their role in a new family setting.

Understanding the differences: Au pairing vs. Babysitting

Au pairing is a unique role that goes beyond one-time babysitting jobs. As an au pair, every interaction with the kids contributes to the overall relationship. Children quickly adapt to your responses, so it's important to set boundaries early on. Remember, consistency is key in developing trust and respect.

Tips for building a strong foundation with host kids

1. Obbserve and Learn: When you first arrive, take time to observe your host kids' personalities and how they respond to different situations. Engage with them by showing genuine interest in their favorite activities. This not only helps break down initial barriers but also helps you build a connection based on shared interests.

2. Establish Trust Through Play: Bonding through play is a great way to establish trust. Use this time to introduce activities you enjoy as well, helping the kids see you as both a friend and a figure of authority.

3. Communication is Key: Don’t be afraid to ask questions or make mistakes. Open communication with your host kids is essential for building a strong relationship. Being vocal from the start helps set clear expectations and prevents misunderstandings.

Podcast: Excerpt from "The Big Sister Project":
Ellie's first days of building a relationship with her host brother Antonin 

Don't be afraid to ask questions – or to make mistakes

One thing I found to be really important when getting to know my host brother was not being afraid to ask questions or to make mistakes. Looking back, if I could have changed anything, it would have been to be more vocal right from the beginning when I didn’t understand something, instead of waiting a few weeks and letting him have too much control over every situation. 

Balancing Fun and Authority in the Au Pair Role

The au pair-host kid relationship is one of the most dynamic relationships you’ll ever experience, purely because of the fact that it’s a constant balancing act. You’re on their side - you want to get up to mischief and be a fun older sibling (like when Antonin and I drew on our faces with my eyeliner before his parents came home, and almost got into trouble because they needed to go back out!), but at the same time you need to let your host kids know that you’re the ‘boss’ too. It can sometimes be a little bit difficult. 

Setting the right tone in your au pair role

I remember how tricky it was, especially in the beginning, because when you’re in a new place, all you want to do is make things easy for yourself, and sometimes that involves letting misbehaviour slide (like letting them cheat in a game but not saying anything because you’re scared of not explaining yourself correctly). The advice I wish I’d had was that you need to be vocal when things go wrong, as soon as possible! Your words and actions set the tone, and it’s up to you to establish that you can have fun together, but there are boundaries that need to be respected. 

The importance of mutual respect and communication

To make this easier, when you first arrive, don’t be afraid to let the kids know if you sometimes need a bit of assistance when trying to explain things. Being honest with your host kids also gives them a sense of responsibility to take some care of you in a similar way you do for them, and they understand that your relationship is a two-way street. Create nicknames for each other, make jokes out of language problems, and keep things light-hearted.

A learning journey

Bonding with the kids builds trust in every aspect of your au pair life, but it takes time to find your feet and establish your role as both a friend and figure of authority. Take things as they come and remember that you are on a learning journey with your host kids!

 

About the author:
Ellie Bambury is English-born but also a Kiwi living in New Zealand. After studying filmmaking at university, Ellie became a videographer and photographer and is currently freelancing alongside teaching French and Drama. Her time as an au pair inspired her to publish a book about the experience, which she now hopes to use as a platform to engage with and guide other young people who may want to pursue au pairing. If you want to hear more about her book or get involved in her plans for 'The Big Sister Project', check out her website or find her on Instagram.