How to avoid and resolve conflicts: A guide for au pairs and host families

In this guide, we’ll explore the most common issues that can lead to misunderstandings between au pairs and host families, and how to prevent them from escalating. By being informed and proactive, both au pairs and host families can avoid unnecessary conflicts and create a harmonious and positive experience.

Possible conflicts at the beginning of the au pair stay 

Particularly throughout the first few weeks of the au pair stay, both au pair and host family should try to be tolerant and flexible with their new situation. Host families should not expect their au pairs to perfectly manage their tasks right from the start. They need to be ready to answer questions from their new au pairs and also take into account that she or he may be having difficulties with the language. Bear in mind that it is quite a challenge for au pairs to express their thoughts and ideas in a foreign language.

Au pairs may often feel homesick at the beginning of an au pair stay. Homesickness, however, usually only lasts a few days until the au pairs starts to get used to the new enviroment and schedule. As soon as au pairs start to meet new people in the host country, their feelings of homesickness diminish.

Common conflicts and how to prevent them

1. Unclear expectations and responsibilities

Problem: One of the most common sources of tension in an au pair arrangement is when the au pair's role and responsibilities aren’t clearly defined. Au pairs might feel overworked or unclear about their tasks, while host families might feel frustrated if their expectations aren’t met.

Solution:
Before the au pair even arrives, it’s crucial for both parties to have a clear, written agreement outlining the au pair's duties, hours, and any other expectations (e.g., babysitting, light housework, helping with school runs). This can be done using a written schedule and task list to ensure everyone is on the same page. Watch our video on misaligned expectations.

For Host Families:

• Be as specific as possible about what tasks you expect the au pair to perform. Include everything from the daily schedule to special responsibilities, such as evening babysitting.
• Remember that au pairs are there for cultural exchange as well, not just as childcare providers. They should have enough free time to explore the culture and relax.

For Au Pairs:

• Clarify any unclear points with the family before accepting the role. Don’t be afraid to ask detailed questions about your responsibilities.
• Once you’ve arrived, if something doesn’t align with the agreed tasks, speak up early. It's better to address potential conflicts before they grow.

2. Communication breakdown

Problem: Misunderstandings can easily arise when communication between the au pair and host family isn’t clear or frequent enough. Language barriers, cultural differences, or simply not discussing issues openly can lead to frustration.

Solution:
Open, respectful, and regular communication is the foundation of a good relationship. Set aside time to talk about how things are going, ask for feedback, and address any concerns. Watch our video about miscommunication.

For Host Families:

• Create an open environment where the au pair feels comfortable expressing any concerns or needs. Set up weekly check-ins to discuss how things are going.
• Remember that the au pair may come from a different culture where communication norms vary. Be patient and open-minded, and encourage them to speak up.
• Learn how to communicate with the au pair.

For Au Pairs:

• If something bothers you or you don’t understand something, don’t hesitate to ask for clarification. The earlier you address an issue, the easier it will be to resolve.
• Make an effort to learn and adjust to your host family’s communication style, but also be clear about your own preferences and needs.

3. Cultural differences

Problem: Living in a new country often means adjusting to a different lifestyle, customs, and family dynamics. This can sometimes lead to misunderstandings if either the au pair or the host family isn’t aware of the cultural differences that might affect daily life.

Solution:
Both parties should approach the au pair experience with an open mind and a willingness to learn. Cultural exchange is a huge part of being an au pair, and both the family and au pair should be flexible and understanding. Watch our video on cultural shock.

For Host Families:

• Take time to explain the nuances of your country’s culture and family values. Be patient as your au pair adjusts to their new environment.
• Ask your au pair about their culture as well. This can help you understand where they’re coming from and build mutual respect.

For Au Pairs:

• Be open to learning new customs, but also feel free to share your own traditions and cultural background. This is what the au pair experience is all about! Read our 6 tips for fast integration as an au pair
• If you feel uncomfortable with something, whether it’s a household habit or an expectation, talk about it with your host family. They may not even realize there’s an issue.

4. Work-life balance

Problem: Sometimes au pairs may feel overwhelmed with work, or host families may feel that the au pair isn’t pulling their weight. A key challenge can be balancing work with the au pair’s need for personal time, social activities, and travel.

Solution:
Establish clear boundaries around work hours, time off, and personal space. Au pairs need time to rest, socialize, and explore their surroundings, while host families need to feel confident their children are being well cared for.

For Host Families:

• Respect the agreed-upon working hours and avoid overburdening the au pair. If you need extra help, offer to compensate them for additional work outside their agreed hours.
• Encourage the au pair to make friends and enjoy their time off. They’re here for the cultural experience, after all!

For Au Pairs:

• Be clear about your schedule and time off from the beginning. If you’re feeling overworked or like your personal time is being encroached upon, speak up kindly but directly.
• Make the most of your time off by connecting with other au pairs, traveling, and enjoying your host country. This balance will help you recharge and perform your duties well. Learn 5 ways to improve your life as an au pair.

5. Personal space and boundaries

Problem: Living together 24/7 can blur the lines between work and personal space. Au pairs may feel like they’re always “on call,” while host families might feel the need to constantly monitor the au pair’s activities.

Solution:
Setting clear boundaries regarding personal space, privacy, and time off is essential for maintaining harmony in the household.

For Host Families:

• Give your au pair their own space where they can relax and unwind. Make it clear when they are not expected to be "on duty."
• Trust that your au pair will follow the house rules without feeling the need to micromanage.

For Au Pairs:

• Be respectful of the family’s house rules and personal space. If you feel your personal space is being encroached upon, have an open discussion to find a balance.
• Make use of your free time to do activities outside the house, such as meeting friends or exploring the area, so you have some mental and physical distance from your work environment.

How to handle conflicts when they arise

Even with the best planning and communication, conflicts can still arise. The important thing is to address them calmly and constructively before they escalate.

1. Stay Calm: Emotions can run high when conflicts arise, but it’s important to stay calm and approach the issue with a clear mind.
2. Talk it Out: Set aside time to have an open and honest conversation about the issue. Both sides should be willing to listen to the other’s perspective without jumping to conclusions.
3. Look for Compromise: In many cases, the best solution is a compromise where both parties give a little to find a middle ground that works for everyone.
4. Seek External Help if Needed: If you find that you can’t resolve the conflict on your own, consider reaching out to AuPairWorld or a mediator for support.

A successful au pair experience is built on mutual respect

At the heart of every successful au pair arrangement is mutual respect, clear communication, and an openness to cultural exchange. Both au pairs and host families are entering a unique and rewarding experience that can lead to lifelong friendships and unforgettable memories.

By understanding and addressing potential conflicts before they become issues, both sides can ensure that their time together is enjoyable, productive, and filled with positive experiences. Ready to start this exciting journey? Let’s ensure you’re set up for success.

Can AuPairWorld help with problems during the au pair stay?

AuPairWorld is always ready to support families and au pairs asking for help. Our aim is to help the two parties find a solution together. The following video shows how AuPairWorld usually proceeds in such cases.

Our FAQs about disagreements gives an overview of typical problem situations and further tips for overcoming disagreements.

What if the conflict can't be solved?

Not every disagreement can be solved and there are some situations where the au pair and host familiy simply don't find a successful way to work together.If it is not possible to find a mutually acceptable basis for continuing the stay, then it will be necessary to consider terminating your mutual contract or changing families / changing au pairs.

Remember that you can always the AuPairWorld team, should you have questions or problems.